Plus One Wallet of Winning

Are microtransactions worse than satan’s taint? They ultimately might be, but not because they are inherently bad. Let me say right up front, if you have a problem with horse armor you’re a moron!!! Just don’t buy it. You are the reason that commercials for drugs have to say “don’t take this shit if you’re allergic to it.”

As far as I’m concerned there are two primary categories of microtransaction, just for fun and just for cheaters. Now if you’re the type of jackass who likes to jump to conclusions (like me) it seems pretty obvious that JFFs are always fine by me and JFCs are always just as stank as fromunda cheese. Well my overly-simple friend, the truth is like literally a skosh more complicated.

Just For Fun

A JFF microtransaction does not have a significant effect on how the game is played. It is most often purely cosmetic like a skin for your favorite in game weapon, but I would also include added quests or the like assuming their inclusion isn't a thinly veiled way to give you an advantage (an item or ability that makes you better than you could otherwise be). Just to be even more controversial, I’d say horse armor counts as a JFF even though it doubles your horse’s HP because that’s about as useful as a Past Veggies™ burger (made of pork but tastes like bean paste).

So if all it does is change some visuals or add a bit of extra content it must be all good, right? Wrong, are you even paying attention?! There is always somebody trying to violate your precious booty (💎 or 🍑?). Horse armor was always supposed to be in the game. So the fact that they released it later and then charged for it is evil...IF they did it on purpose. I choose to believe that they didn’t have it ready and didn’t think it was worth delaying the game for some stupid ass armor on your freakin horse. Once the game is out, even if they wished they could have put the horse armor in, there is no (business) reason to keep making stuff for the game for free. It’s not like if they had released it for free it would have encouraged more people to buy the game. I can’t stress enough how much this is just stupid ass armor for your dip shit horse.

What, now you wanna argue about the $2.50 price tag? You aren't entitled to horse armor. You’re really starting to piss me off with your nonsense. If I could get you to pay $5k for a pack of gum I sure as shit would, it’s not my fault if you lack a basic understanding of value. If you don’t think something is worth the amount it costs, you don’t buy it. End of story (not end of blog post). Yeesh, you got me all sidetracked but YES it’s jacked up if they intentionally take something they believe should be part of the core game and choose to charge you extra for it. That would make them assholes, but you gotta take the stand. Don’t buy the crap, if you already bought the game make your voice heard, and then find a way to make peace with the fact that it probably worked out great for them and they’ll keep doing it because most consumers (and people in general) are dumb.

Just For Cheaters

I haven’t done the numbers, I mean...I’m just some guy, but I’m sure JFCs are the VAST majority of microtransactions. This is your special candy that lets you finally “crush” that level that was designed to be nearly impossible without the JFC. These are the fucking Nike’s that pissed me off so much I had to write this post in the first place. I wanna hate EA so much, but you know...Bioware and stuff. The major problems with this type of micro (I can’t keep typing that long ass crap, I’m easily bored) are games designed to slowly milk you until you eventually realize you spent $396 on a damn mobile game, and games that allow you to win by having more money than the competition (we get enough of that IRL).

This one is a little more obvious in being all evil, don’tcha think? Did you seriously just say “yes” to that blatant trap? How have you survived this long? I’m such a dick, I’m totally screwing with you now because I’m gonna argue that yes, this category is all bad. I mean, it’s still kinda complicated but let’s take the best case scenario that my tiny brain can come up with. Take a game like AdVenture Capitalist, yes there is a leaderboard but if you actually care about it you have bigger problems than the fact that you waste money on some real dumb crap. So it’s basically a single player game. The JFC just makes things faster so you get that little dopamine hit a little easier and nobody else gives a shit. That sounds innocent enough. However, it’s basically just a game helping you screw yourself over. That money would be better spent on just about anything else and that little chemical nudge your brain gives you is more likely to make you feel dirty than accomplished. The next hit is gonna cost you more and feel less tingly in your junk. It’s kinda like heroin in that way. Now in the interest of keeping it all the way real with you, I don’t think heroin should be illegal. If you want to ruin your life that’s your choice. It is objectively bad though. I’ve played the original Fallout like probably 10 times. Sometimes I cheat by adjusting my stats so I’m basically perfect in every way. It’s a lot of fun...for about 15 minutes. Then it gets really boring. So if I was paying for that privilege I’d really be robbing myself twice. If I’m the asshole, I’m sure you’ll let me know. Hell, you’ll probably tell me I am anyway. You then have the responsibility of arguing a way in which a JFC is in the best interest of or even just neutral for all parties involved.


Now this is not really what the post is about, but I have to take a minute here to defend DLC. I don’t even know why this is an issue, but people seem to think all DLC should have just been in the game from the beginning. Clearly these people are just Gen Z or late Millennial chumps who don’t remember how games used to just come out and then...nothing. “Oh man, I really loved that game. I wish there was more.” you would say, but nope. If you were lucky there was an eventual sequel. Now the thought behind these aforementioned chumps issue is that the game would have just had more content in the first place. That’s just factually incorrect. Plenty of games came out before DLC was a thing that were ten hours or less of fart smell.

Now let’s look at the flip side of that. I’ve played several DLCs that, because they didn’t require building out a full game, manage to add ten plus hours to a game for $10. Where else are you going to get entertainment for $1/hr? Also, for the last damn time, IT'S COMPLETELY OPTIONAL!

So next time you buy some Expansion or Season Pass that turns out to be hot garbage, by all means whine about how much that particular DLC sucked. Just remember it doesn’t mean it’s all a ripoff.

One final gripe, anti-preorder people need to sit down too. Namaste BIYOTCH 🧘‍♂️

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