In a previous post I talked about how I get most of my games on a deep discount. However, I’m a real gamer and when I’m feeling the hype I gotta buy day one or maybe even preorder (shut your face, preordering is awesome). So, it’s bad enough when you get it cheap, but when you pay full price for a game that turns out to suck it’s a real kick in the taint. *This post includes affiliate links, meaning I could theoretically make money from them. It will never influence my opinions, but the government wants you to know for some reason.
I ain’t scurred, so I’ll just say it...Star Wars Jedi:Fallen Order sucks goat ass. You know why? Dark Souls is doo-doo! Say somethin punk 💪. On a serious note, let’s not fight fam. We all have our preferences and I’m going to continue being extremely judgmental about yours, but I’m right and you’re wrong. Actually in this case it’s not even a little objective though. I don’t like difficult games because I’m incapable of feeling a sense of accomplishment. So as far as I’m concerned From Software has created a really annoying trend and they need to go away. Nioh, Sekiro, Bloodbourne, and Code Vein (which is double bad, cuz it looks dope) are just taking time away from people making games I’d like. On the other hand, if you like Fortnite you have a low IQ.
To be fair (I’m not sure who to), I had read some stuff before I bought SWJ:FO suggesting it had a big dose of that influence. I thought ‘they wouldn’t fuck with Star Wars that hard’, but as usual I was wrong. Anyway, that’s not the point. The point is we have both bought a game and then been butt hurt when we didn’t like it, I imagine.
So, what do you do? Sorry to disappoint, but I don’t know...complain on the internet I guess. Maybe it’s about learning from the experience and doing more research before buying a game? Problem with that is I feel like there is a very narrow space between research and spoilers. I’m actually probably going to watch a Let’s Play of SWJ:FO because even though I’m not going to struggle through it, I still really want to experience it. The fact that I can do that is so awesome and maybe the focus of next week’s post, but had I known better I could have just done that from the beginning and saved myself like sixty bucks.
So research is out. Do you play demos? Do most modern games even have demos? I remember back in the day getting those demo discs from Official Playstation Magazine, but that was more about playing the same level of a game over and over again because I couldn’t afford to buy the games. With a demo at least it’s not spoilers cuz it’s just like the first level right? So you should be able to play the demo and then just unlock the rest of the game so you don’t have to play that part over again.
I think another me problem is that I’ve gotten overconfident about my ability to know how well I will like something in advance. Like I said, I heard about SWJ:FO (I promise this the last time I’ma bring that up) being hard, but I figured I knew better than my own instincts. I’m usually (or maybe used to be) so good at seeing a trailer and knowing roughly how much I’ll enjoy a movie, game, or whatever. Movies are pretty low stakes, but I think I gotta be more choosy about video games. It’s not even just the money. I only get to play for like four hours a week and that’s only because I cut into my sleeping time. So when I get two hours into a game and then decide I don’t really have any interest in continuing to play it, well 😭.
Why don’t I just go trade it in? Cuz fuck physical media you dinosaur ass punk and double fuck GameStop. I’m not judging you for fuckin around with them, but they are evil. They are basically a specialized pawn shop and those are evil too. “Nine dollars? Are you shitting me bro? That’s funny cuz I see a used copy sitting on the shelf right there for forty-five you cheese dick rip-off artist!” *cough cough* More to the point, I just don’t want a bunch of discs taking up space and possibly getting lost or broken so it’s not even an option. I feel like even with digital though you should be able to have a game removed from your account for a partial refund or something. Hell, maybe I can get a refund? On Steam I think you get like three hours of play time, but I got it on XBox (I’ll capitalize that god damned B forever so suck it scrub) and I don’t know what, if any, return policy they have.
So what other options do we have? I suppose I’ll just have to git gud at this website shit and then maybe they’ll give me free games. Wait, that would be so much worse cuz then I have to play more than the first two hours before I’m like ‘fuck this shit’ if I’m doing reviews. I’d feel like a real asshole if they gave me the game for free and I was like “It sucks after two hours so one star”. Probably wouldn’t get anybody to read my shit with that weak sauce. I mean, if you are thinking you might not want to try that game I said I wasn’t gonna mention any more cuz I crapped on it...you dumb. This ain’t a review homie. I played the introductory world and then as soon as the game started to open up I went to the new planet and was frustrated for like an hour before I decided it wasn’t worth it.
So let me know what an asshole I am for shitting on your favorite game (I’m guessing Dark Souls cuz you seem like a real douche, you better not be one of those Fortnite losers). Then tell me about the most recent game you bought that made you want to slowly, almost but not quite erotically, choke the fool who recommended it. You just better hope I don’t disagree because I’ll tell me two Twitter subscribers how dumb you are and then you’ll feel bad about yourself and probably cry.
What are you going to do about it going forward? Me, I’m probably gonna keep doing things exactly how I have been. Anyways, you can go away now. Wait, first tweet about this post, then while you are on Twitter you should follow me. Did you sign up for an account yet? Do that or at least go to the front page and sign up for emails, but don’t do both...unless you really want to. Also, go somewhere with like a public computer and pull up the website and then just leave it there for the next person who comes along. You should probably also print out some flyers or something and pass those around. Lastly, make a song about how cool this website is and put it on YouTube, but maybe call it like “Epic Kitten Fails” or something. See you next week 🍑🤡